Don't worry. Part 3 of "who's keeping you stuck" is still coming. I just felt that this piece was necessary to post today.

​Feeling “let down” by others (or ourselves) can be a trigger for a lot of people because disappointment feels unfair. Because disappointments are practically impossible to get away from, here are some helpful skills you can use instead of remaining gloomy or giving up…
 
Remove expectations
Don’t set yourself up. Many times disappointment comes from having unmet expectations. We expect things to go a certain way, or we make plans, and often our reality doesn’t match our imagined outcome. If you remove expectations from the start, you will have less chance of being disappointed! Go with flow. Life isn’t good or bad. It just is. Our fantasies about how we would like things to be only cloud our ability to live in the present moment. We miss the beauty that is happening all around us. Stop expecting and start living.
 
Reframe
Find the positive truth, reflect on what you can learn. If that doesn’t work, practice gratitude. Remember that when “bad” or unwanted things happen, we are the ones who choose what to focus on and how we respond. Finding a way to reframe a situation instead of impulsively reacting can build character. Practicing this skill often will make it easier to use when you need to.  Our attitude often controls our view of a situation. Think about the last time you were really hungry and waiting for someone to go eat. Did the person you were waiting on take longer just because you were hungry and waiting for them? Doubtful. But you could absolutely see it that way. OR you could focus on the fact that you have someone to go eat with…that you can afford to eat when others can’t…etc. What is the worst thing that could happen if you decide to focus on the positive? (Note* A little self-awareness can come in real handy in moments like this. If you recognize that your mood is affected by your hunger, you can more easily reframe or practice gratitude.)
 
Accept
Radical acceptance is a skill to use in times when we are faced with situations that we CAN NOT change and that we must deal with. It is deemed “radical” because it takes quite a bit of work to accept things we don’t like. Much of life is out of our control, so getting upset (and staying upset) when things don’t go the way we’d like only adds to our feeling of discontent. If you can’t change it, accept it. Accepting does not mean that you approve; it only means that you have stopped fighting reality. This simple practice can help remove a lot of our unnecessary suffering.
 
Reach out for support
That’s what friends are for. A support system is a vital part to our continued growth and improvement. If you struggle using any of the above tools, reach out to a friend or professional to see if they can give you a different way to approach what you’re struggling with. People outside of the situation can often see the bigger picture and find helpful solutions we are unable to see (kind of a “forest for the trees” situation, if you will). Keep your team on deck for emotional emergencies!

Y'all know I love music, and I haven't posted a song to go with a blog in a while. Check out this beautiful ballad by Lionel Richie. You can find the lyrics HERE.  

“The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.” -Gloria Steinem

I shouldn’t have to say it, but people do things that don’t make sense all the time. Now, what I mean by this is that their outward behavior doesn’t seem rational to others. I’m sure they have good reason in their minds. Allow me to explain… 
​
Most human behavior is influenced by a release of chemicals in our brains that create “feelings” or emotions. These chemicals have a reciprocal relationship with our conscious (and unconscious) thoughts and memories. This is part of what creates certain “states” of being…what we call mood or attitude. Mood and attitude influence behavior, AND behavior influences mood and attitude. Falling in love creates a “state” that impacts cognition (thinking) in such a way that you get, well, kinda stupid. Love really is, in a sense, blind and creates irrational ways of thinking and approaching certain problems. For more info on this, click HERE. 
That being said, what kind of (irrational) thinking keeps people stuck in unhappy relationships? Here are a few common rationalizations I have come up with… 

Unreasonable expectations. The fixer. It is very easy for our minds to create illogical expectations for ourselves and others. The problem with this is that disappointment often accompanies these expectations, especially in regard to expectations of other people[i]. Feeling like we can change someone else if we “try hard enough” or give them “the right kind of love” is not unusual in the social world. Sticking around until we find the right combination of tactics to change someone else is common. However, this is not only irrational, it could be considered delusional. 
I mean, a special gift for knowing how a person should be AND knowledge of the tools they need in order to change. Sounds like superpowers to me. Now, I’m not saying that superheroes don’t exist. I consider myself a superhero on occasion. What I am saying is that we can’t change other people; no matter how much we might want to; no matter how much we think they need to change; no matter how much time we invest in trying to create their change for them. People change short-term with enough pressure, but change under duress doesn’t usually stick. People make long-term change when they want to change and when they are ready to do the work to create change for themselves. None of us can do it for them. I know, it sucks. 

Resigned hopelessness. The settler. On the other end of the spectrum is the passive acceptance that it just won’t get better where you are or be better anywhere else you would go. This concept is related to “learned helplessness” which is well known to contribute to “stuck” behavior in people. Thoughts that accompany this pattern are things like “well, at least I know what to expect with him/her; why go start over with new crap?” or “who’s gonna want someone my age/with kids/that’s been divorced” or “if I stay around and deal with it long enough, he/she will see how loyal I am and finally change.” Again, this approach is ineffective because it does nothing to ease the discomfort or create change. Settling is related to lack of self-efficacy (don’t worry…there’s more on this in part 3). 

Fear. What if… The anxiety related to this one is related to judgment and perception, so it may look different in different people. A few fears that might contribute to sticking… 
Judgment from others. This could be related to “looking bad” in the social world. The thought is something like, “what if people reject me because they think I’m a failure?” Being thought of as someone who is an ineffective wife/mother/husband/father/partner may affect our social status. Just knowing this is a possibility may influence our decisions or behaviors. 
Another fear is one of never finding a place to “fit” or not being accepted by anyone/anywhere. This is the place for the “what if it’s me?” and “am I just plain unlovable?” thoughts. This is a dangerous place to be. I’ll tell you why. Most people leave the first time they feel like this. They want to test the theory. I’m not happy in this relationship, so I will leave and find one that is better. Then, the next relationship seems to follow the same pattern. This validates the idea that it IS them. So they settle in and get comfortable. Except it’s not comfortable. It’s painful. I know at least one of you is thinking, “Well, what if I did that, like, a hundred times and the same stuff happened. Doesn’t that prove it’s me?” My simple answer is yes, but not in the way you probably think. It proves that you may need to engage in some active self-awareness to figure out what to change, not that something is wrong you[ii]. 

Stubbornness. Too much investment. Have you ever played a slot machine? You know that feeling you get when you begin to lose steadily?—that the next time has to hit! You don’t want to get up because you just know that lady eyeballing “your” machine will slide in and steal your winnings. Yea, that’s the same kind of feeling some people have with their relationships. They feel they have invested a lot of time and energy into a relationship. They want to make sure they get their money’s worth, so to speak. It’s almost as if they don’t want another person to take credit for their hard work. This again requires developing a new focus or perspective. If we concentrate on investing in ourselves, it is never a “waste” of time. One way to do this is to know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em.
 
I read a meme once that put this sentiment in a nutshell: Change is painful. Growth is painful. But nothing is more painful than staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.
 
So what can we do instead? How might we counteract these faulty ways of viewing relationships to build our happiness? Check back next week for part 3 to receive tips for building self-efficacy and self-awareness in relationships. You’ll also hear some ways to decide if you should stay and work, or accept and move on.                                         
 

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[i] See subsequent blog post on dealing with disappointment
[ii] There is nothing wrong with you. The world is not against you, either. Changing our perspective and learning how to be better should be parts of human development. Don’t take life lessons too personally. Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

As a therapist who works with relationships regularly, I often come across people who claim to be “stuck” in a bad one. My words would be more like: people often stick to a relationship past its health and purpose. What do I mean by that? I’m so glad you asked…
 
As human beings, we are destined to be socially involved with each other. There’s even a special part of our brain devoted to recognizing faces. Engaging with and relying on other people has allowed us to preserve our species. I mean, it does take two of us to reproduce. Throughout our history we have kept each other safe and assisted each other in finding food and needed resources. We did this to help each other stay alive and well. Whether you want to believe it or not, people need each other. That being said, the world of humans has changed a lot over time.
 
We are now socialized to believe particular ideas and expectations of what a relationship should look like and how people should act in relationships. This type of judgment (I feel) is what impedes genuineness, builds subtle resentment, and interferes with moving through relationships in healthier ways. Judgment accompanies expectation; expectation often leads to disappointment. For example, many people hold an irrational idea that if the relationship doesn’t “work out” it is somehow their fault, or they have failed in some way. Many people take this idea to mean they are defective or that they need to fix something about themselves that is wrong.  I do not believe that is the case most of the time. There are many reasons (discussed in future blogs) why we have a tendency to remain in “expired” relationships until they are just too horrible to tolerate any longer. The “rock bottom” in the relationship becomes the catalyst to change, and remaining in extended unhappiness for long periods of time will amplify any relief. In other words, we stay miserably patient waiting for our partner to change until the misery becomes too overwhelming. Then, when we exit the relationship, we confuse the feeling of moving out of unhappiness with the feeling of moving into happiness. We soon realize the grass is not greener on the other side as we deal with the same issues in new relationships. I’m just gonna be real with you…you gotta fertilize your own lawn.
 
Most people believe that falling in love is the end game. That’s the easy part! In the beginning, there’s all this courting and wooing each other. We try so hard to impress each other, and we take time to be sure the other person knows how much we care about them. It’s new and exciting, and all the songs on the radio are about your relationship. It’s the most awesome feeling ever!! Here’s the (not really) bad news. It will not stay this way. It’s impossible to maintain “romantic” or “passionate” love long-term. Seriously, would you really want it to stay like the beginning? Think about it. All that anxiety about what to wear, and how to smell, and saying the right thing; having to meet friends and parents, hoping to win their approval. All of that is beautifully replaced by the calm, safe feeling of being wholly accepted exactly as you are. Flawless. 
 
Dancing the night away and long walks on the beach are wonderful. So are movie nights on the couch cuddled up with all your favorite snacks. The snacks your loving partner was able to get without having to ask what you wanted. So, let’s not run away in disappointment the next time passionate love begins to diminish. It may soon be replaced with a different type of love that is more stable and less selfish than passionate love.
 
People are drawn together because of an attraction. This is a physical attraction of some kind, obviously, since there is no way for two people to really know each other if they just met. Building a long-term relationship takes time…and skill…and work. We have all heard the saying love conquers all…except that it doesn’t. Love does not pay bills, love does not create agreement on every subject, and love does not take personal accountability for poor decisions or mistakes. These jobs are undertaken by each partner in the relationship. Like I said, relationships require work. Daily work. Nonstop work. Love is absolutely a key ingredient in intimate relationships, but love does not provide us with the skills necessary to resolve conflict or communicate effectively.
 
So how do so many people “get stuck” in relationships that are not satisfying? What reasons could there possibly be for individuals to stay when it’s time to go? Check back next week for "part 2" to read about some of the reasons people provide in defense of staying.